My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
