Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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