There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
