Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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