I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
