My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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