i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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