If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
