The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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