how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
