Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
