I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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