She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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