so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And then he peed in my hair
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
