When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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