broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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