omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
