You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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