well I can't set my house on fire every night
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Never underestimate the power of titties
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
