Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
