i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
