My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
