dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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