Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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