I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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