carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
