So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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