There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
