I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Say something about gay babies.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
