the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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