This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
