I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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