nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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