Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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