I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
