Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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