just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
