So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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