I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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