there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Damn victory sex feels great
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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