wrigley field is MILF paradise
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
