I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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