Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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