between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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