By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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