I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
