I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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