John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
