you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The Olympian is in my bed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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