she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
