How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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