my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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