My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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